I know exactly why I’m struggling harder with the loss of my granddaughter Justyce lately. It’s just so hard to talk about it, I tend to skim over it. But suddenly all of that shutting it out erupts in unexpected sobs. My whole body is overcome with a grief-quake and it terrifies me. Maybe if I let myself really FEEL it, I’ll lose what’s left of my mind and never come back. Then what’s gonna happen to the people who depend on me? So I swallow what’s left of my tears and straighten my spine. I put one foot in front of the other and I go on.
Well, yesterday I was perusing facebook and came across a beautiful video of a girl singing a song to someone she lost. It ambushed me. I didn’t expect to react the way I did, but an avalanche of sorrow swept me away. I heard myself crying out, “God! Help me! Help me!” So scared. My customary ability to compose myself went limp in the face of that sorrow. The LOSS of that little girl was so vivid and fresh.
You know, I believe Justyce is ok. I really think she’s growing up in heaven, surrounded and filled with beauty, peace, unspeakable joy…but I still miss her.
I’m raising my two year old granddaughter, Kynnadi, now, 8 years after the loss of my wonderful little Justyce. Kynnadi is so like her in so many ways. She’s a chubby girl with long golden curls, and how she loves to dance! I love Kynnadi for who she is, but I have to admit, sometimes, upon remembering…I squeeze her just a little tighter.
August is the month Justyce fell asleep on Earth and woke up in heaven. I guess all of this, the video, the fact that Kynnadi is the same age as Justyce when I lost her, that this is the month I lost her…it’s just a bit overwhelming. Yet, I’ll survive. I didn’t think it was possible 8 years ago. I didn’t know if I wanted to survive. But, here I am. Still trying to fulfill whatever my purpose is in life. Trying to let the awful loss deepen my love and appreciation for those who are still with me. Letting it teach me about what’s truly important.
What a climb.