Lost to Earth

   Your life and death have changed me. In two short years you suffered much, yet you were so bubbly and bright, loving and sweet. Every single time I entered the room where you were, you greeted me with warmth and enthusiasm. You made me feel special. My most treasured memory of you is how you would take the hem of your dress in your dimpled hands and twirl around and around, then look to me for approval. I would smile and scoop you into my arms. I miss holding you.

     I tried to become better when I lost you. I thought that I would honor your memory by showing my loved ones how glad I am to see them every time they came around. Instead I got worn out and became distant in my heart. I stayed away from the grandson who was born just months before your death because I was afraid to love him too much.  I let him down. He was going through hell and I let him down. Three years later when I realized what he was going through I took him in to live with me.  The guilt is so heavy. I let him down because I was so scared. Your life made me better. Your death shattered me. I think you might be ashamed of how I hardened my heart; of the coward I became. At the same time, I think a wonderful girl like you would understand and be patient. I am making progress, but ever so slowly.

     What are you doing today, little one? I wonder what kind of job God has given  you.  Have you met my babies who were stillborn or my dad who went too soon? Or Grandma…or all the rest. This stupid movie today…a woman lost her son in a drowning accident. Why did I watch it? I thought it would be OK. I could kick myself!

I love you, precious girl, and I will see you again!

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Beautiful Justyce. Lost to Earth August 13th 2005

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