Little Jesse as an Infant
‘thought I would never get here to write a few paragraphs. Life is always nuts, but the last few days I have been doing above and beyond type housework to get ready for the social worker to come and do a home study. I think we are getting close to the decision about whether or not my three year old grandson, Jesse, will be placed in my care. After two and half years in foster care, I think it’s about time!
I have always wanted him, so I hate it when people thank me for “stepping up.” It sounds like I was in the background, rather indifferent or uncaring, then, finally, I had a change of heart. NO WAY! I have called, written letters, pushed, pulled, prayed…for two and half years.
Actually, I have prayed since I knew he was conceived. Prayed in horror; prayed with a worried and heavy heart, knowing he was being carried by a pill-addicted mom who likes to drink. But let’s not just focus on mom. My son, Jesse’s dad, (also named Jesse), has been in and out of trouble since he was 13 years old. He’s currently serving almost three years in prison. Sometime I’ll tell you all about that.
Meanwhile I have two babies here and an eight year old who need attention and a mentally ill daughter who likes to pick fights with me. She left a little while ago to do errands and go to work. Sometimes it’s easier to love the people you love from a distance, isn’t it?
I did make a resolution to stop fighting BACK and to just love her through her illness while God works on her. Then I wondered what loving someone through something looks like. Because love doesn’t mean an absence of anger and it doesn’t mean being a doormat. I have a lot to learn.
I’ve said some of this in former blogs, but it’s good to talk it out. This is partly where I find sanity. It’s my quiet little island in a way. I thank God he made me a writer. I never really feel isolated. I can open up a whole other world with words, then step inside. Plus I always know He’s with me.
Liar! I do not always know that. I know it today. I know it this very minute; but you should see how I struggle with that. “God, ok, maybe I do have evidence that you’re THERE, but are you HERE? That’s what I need to know.”
Anyhow…really, I have so much to do to get ready for the home study. You know what I did? Rather than putting the 8 baskets full of clothes away, I slipped the baskets into my walk-in closet. I am just too overwhelmed. The renovations on my house, that have been going on for more than a year, will wait. Cleaning out the fridge will wait. Putting laundry away will wait. But these babies need me. And I need myself. I need to take care of me so I can take care of them.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what this blog is all about. For now, anyhow.