I had one of those end-of-the-world dreams where the Earth was being ripped apart at the seams. Fire shot up through the dark chasms in the ground. People were running mindlessly, hysterical, trying to escape, trying to find a safe place to be.
I stood there on the top of a hill watching in horror, wondering what to do. My kids were all off in different directions. How could I get to them? How could I protect and comfort them? There was no way to contact them. No way to even tell them I loved them one last time.
For some reason, in my dream, I was most worried about Nathan, my wayward son. I put one foot forward thinking I would at least try to find him. Then got stuck in place. I had to accept that it was impossible. I would never see my son again.
Suddenly there appeared a giant black bird in the sky. My heart started pounding. Terror compelled me to run. But where could I go? No! I thought. God will protect me. So I planted my feet and I stood there on that hill, waiting for God to come to my aid.
It was then that I realized the huge bird hovering over me was the mother ship, come to take me home. I was overcome with joy and peace! I would make it! I would be saved! But that was soon replaced with grief over leaving my babies behind.
Then a strong, gentle voice came from behind me saying, “If it can find you, it can find them, too.”
Ok. That might not have been “one of those dreams” that came directly from God. ha ha ha It was a mix of belief system, imagining, desire, fear, and a whole lot of Sci-Fi. Yet, God has been able to use that dream on more than one occasion to give me peace and to remind me to stand my ground. He’s in charge. He’ll take care of me AND my babies.
The thing is, the panic I felt standing on that hill is underneath it all, somewhere down in my gut. A soul-tormentor, to be sure. I suffer so with this anxiety that I often let it drive me in the wrong direction. It takes me to doubt, to bitterness, to sobbing in the shower, to anger and rage towards God… because the thing is, planting your feet isn’t a one time deal. Once those feet are planted, and you’re trying to be still and wait for God, that doesn’t mean change is on the horizon. Days may pass. Weeks, months, years may go by, and everything is a mess. And you’re a mess. And the pain is too much to bear.
But God is an ever-present help in trouble. While he’s working on the situation, he’s also working on you. He’s creating a warrior. He’s teaching you to trust, to endure. He’s refining you. So you stand there, and you stand there, and you stand there…
And that is where I’m weak. I stand there. I crumble. I try to run away. I stand there. I shake my fists at the sky. I cry. I complain. I fall down. I stand there.
I’m learning who it is who holds me fast. I can see who it is who picks me up and sets me on my feet again. And it ain’t me.
Thank you, God, for your faithfulness. ❤