Cool Side of the Pillow



What time is it? Three a.m. Figures. The baby didn’t even wake me up and here I am with my eyes wide open and my heart racing. Did I have a bad dream again? I don’t remember.

Toss. Turn. Flip the pillow to the cool side.

Ah! Gotta get some sleep! The alarm is going to go off at seven and I’m going to be exhausted again today! How will I get all my work done?

Ouch! There’s that stupid pain in my neck.

Toss. Turn. Flip the pillow to the cool side.

Hug my body pillow up close to me.

Hmmm, I wonder what I should make the kids for breakfast. Not that the baby will eat anyhow. All she wants are sweets. Xavier will eat anything. Unless he wakes up grumpy again today.  Grrrr. Why am I still awake? I guess when I take the boys to school today I’ll go ahead and mail those letters to my son. Please, God, go ahead of those letters and open up his heart to receive what I have to say. I get tired of our constant wars.

Toss. Turn. Flip the pillow to the cool side.

Wait. Is my tongue swollen? Am I having an allergic reaction to something? Slow down, heart, we’re going to be OK. My tongue feels normal sized. Weird.

It’s fear messing with you. You know the drill.

Is it raining out there? Did I park my car under the trees again? Hope no branches fall out of the trees and onto my car. Or my house. Wouldn’t that stink if a tree fell over and crashed into my house and it came right through the attic and landed on my bed?


What this? It’s that pain in my chest that I’ve been having for three weeks. I should get it checked out. Dad did die of heart disease. If he would have gone to the hospital when he started having symptoms, we’d probably still have him. Is this heart disease causing this pain? I have no other symptoms. Wait…wait…oh. Gas. Dang. Maybe my gall bladder is acting up.

Stop it, stupid. You’re making yourself nuts. I see where Chelsea gets it! You have to be a better example. You know this is anxiety and you have to talk to yourself a different way or you’re going to end up with a full blown panic attack.

Toss. Turn. Flip the pillow to the cool side.

Poor Chelsea. I know how she worries. I just wish she wouldn’t take her stuff out on me. Please, God, pleeeeeeease! After all these years of begging and crying and speaking Your word over this awful mental illness…here it still is, eating us alive. Tearing us apart. Causing us to make destructive choices. This can’t be Your will! It can’t be! Please move now! What are you waiting for?! We are a mess.

Sorry for yelling at You. You must see how much this hurts me. Ugh! Why can’t I sleep?

Toss. Turn. Flip the pillow to the cool side.

Go to sleep, Cindy! Shut your eyes. Stop thinking. What time is it?  3:45 a.m.  Nooooooo!


Crap. I can’t breathe on this side. Asthma sucks!

Toss. Turn. Flip the pillow to the cool side.

Did I deposit that money into my bank account yesterday? Oh, no. Tell me I put that money in the bank. Settle down. If you didn’t, you can do it this morning after you take the boys to school.

I hate getting up early. I hate this cold weather, too. I hate having to go out in this weather so early. Why did I have to be born in Ohio? Why couldn’t I be born in a tropical place? Does having me in this time and space really matter? Does God really have a reason for all of this? Does God even know I’m alive? Why won’t He give me a good night’s sleep?

Toss. Turn. Flip the pillow to the cool side.

Ok. Listen, you dummy! You are going to have to give your cares to God and trust Him or you’re really going to go bonkers! I’m warning you!

I do trust Him. I trust Him to do whatever pleases him. But for some reason that always seems to hurt me.

Stop it. Stop it! STOP IT RIGHT NOW! You big baby! You know you’re going to have to stop being so negative and start to speak life, like Toby Mac says. I love that song. That’s a good song.

OK. well, what is the truth, then?

That God sees you. That He hears your prayers. He’s at work. It might take a while, but He’s at work.That He has a reason for everything and His timing is perfect. And He loves you. Meanwhile…

Yeah, meanwhile. MEAN while. Why it gotta be so mean?

Shut up and go to sleep.

Toss. Turn. Flip the pillow to the cool side.



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