Blooper Reel

bloopers

The horse really does know the way to carry the sleigh, and not necessarily with a passenger on board. My car, in other words. It just started taking my grandson to school as we usually do, but the boy wasn’t with us today. Yeah, I’m blaming the car. Glad I got control and steered us home instead. (laughing)

I just wonder, if I hadn’t noticed BEFORE we actually got to the school, what I would have thought we were doing there? This kind of thing is happening more often as I age. And, as I reread this paragraph, I see that I have used the term, “we,’ including my car in this mistake, as if it really did have a mind of its own.

Wow. If our lives really do flash before our eyes at the end, mine is going to be 90% bloopers.

Let me give you a few more examples of my bloopers and see if you agree.  Go get a cup of coffee if you like; this might take a minute, and should be entertaining. By the way, if you plan on using this against me later, get in line. My sister is actually keeping a notebook of these Cindyisms.

It was the 80s and even I had big, poofy hair and huge dangly earrings. My precocious, hyperactive two year old, Jesse, was sitting in my shopping cart (in the basket, not the seat) in the Express checkout aisle (10 items or less) as I placed my groceries on the belt. I had borrowed a car that day from Jesse’s Aunt Doris. Doris had her car keys, along with about 10 others, on a thick lanyard which I had placed around my neck. Can you picture that so far?

So the checkout girl is ringing up my groceries. The keys kept banging in to things every time I moved, so I decided to lift the lanyard up over my head, intending to put the keys in my purse. BUT, the lanyard grabbed my dangling earrings, popped them both out of my ears, and they went flying! I got down on my knees to search for the earrings just as Jesse decided to make his escape. He lifted the seat part up and ducked out, smooth as butter, and started to take off running! I grabbed him by the shirt and held him with one hand, but kept searching for the earrings.

My purse, which had been slung over my shoulder, could take no more and spilled its guts over all over the floor of the grocery store. In full view of the impatient customers behind me… tampons, mints, tissues, dimes and nickels…all went rolling off in all directions.

Finally I got all of that mess scooped up,put away, paid for groceries, and got home,blushing and giggling the whole way.

ONLY to have yet another silly episode at the same grocery store some time later. Back then they’d bag your groceries and have you drive up to the store for them to load them into the trunk of your car. Paid for the food, got in my car, went home. Opened the trunk of the car, and to my horror, it was empty! I flashed back on the long wait at the traffic light and wondered if anyone had had time to steal the groceries out of my car as I sat there! Sneaky people! But how had they gotten the trunk open? And without me noticing?

THEN I realized….oh. I drove off without picking up my stuff. Called the store. Went back. Picked up groceries, blushing and giggling.

Ok. Same grocery store. I bought a few groceries and some construction paper for a project I was working on with the kids. Left the store with my groceries in the cart this time. Going to put them in the trunk myself. Such a beautiful sunny day! I felt so young and alive. As I sometimes did, I revved up the cart and started to ride it through the parking lot. WEEEEEE! Fast as lightening! So carefree! Then I heard a voice calling behind me, “Ma’am?! Ma’am?! You forgot your paper!”

I turned around to see the checkout girl chasing me through the parking lot, out of breath and red faced, yet obviously amused at my shenanigans. Blush. Giggle.

THEN there was the time when I thought red mousse for my hair was a great idea. And it did look kind of nice. Until I got stuck in a downpour like I have never seen before. It’s like God emptied his mop bucket over my head as I scrambled to get home from the restaurant about half a block away.

Red mousse was streaming down my face and stinging my eyes. The front of my shirt was drenched in red and it began to look like something out of a horror movie. I heard people in my apartment complex murmuring as I hurried  by. “What happened to her?”  They probably thought I had been stabbed or shot or beaten pretty badly. I didn’t even know how awful it looked till I got home and could see myself in the mirror.  If you think that’s bad, you should see the way the red looked in the pool rippling outward.  Blush. I did stop using it after that.

Years later, after I had developed allergies and asthma, I had to take some pretty serious medications. I had such a hard time keeping track of what time the meds were due, I began to keep track on a little note pad. Took my pill at 9 a.m. Will take it again at one.

I got so used to doing that…one day I ate a Tic Tac and pulled out my notebook to write it down! It struck me as so funny, I had to call my sister and tell her what I had done. But I couldn’t get through the story without laughing. Especially when I said, defensively, “Well, it was a green Tic Tac. It looked medicinal!”

At this point we lost it so hard we BOTH had an asthma attack and had to end our conversation! Nerds! ha ha

When Christmas came I got a small gift in the mail. It was box of Tic Tacs with a “prescription” label and a small notebook for me to keep track of my dosage. My sister will NEVER let me live this down.

But even she and my cousin have done things like this. All three of us have sat at a stop sign,waiting for the light to change. Air heads!

There are so many more of these bloopers. We all have them. What fun would life be without them? I guess when my life flashes before my eyes, I will have some tears, but I will definitely be blushing and giggling quite a bit, too.

 

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s